warfare

the shadows of past are evading the present daylight. these long, deep, black, threatening soldiers of past memories are trashing the purity of today. they are at war. hope is fighting a losing fight against the strength of these painful memories. carpe diem? how can you when an army of shadows are blocking your next move? how can you seize anything when everything has been seized from you? bullets are penetrating this pretend shield you’ve placed around yourself. it’s funny how you can think putting up a protective barrier from future relationships leads you anywhere. the wall you place between yourself, and the person falling head over heels over you, is a wall that under right circumstances, can be crumbled down. but what nonsense is this? there are too many shadows out there, too many bad memories, to be hopeful of a bright day. those creepy shadows are catching up. they toss up their bows and shoot their arrows up to the sky and with the landing of each, the worst memories come to haunt you..

“remember the first break up?

how about the first tear in her eyes?

or perhaps the last embrace?”

where are the good guys? i thought this was a two-way fight. the villians vs. the heroes. those painful memories vs. the amazing ones. all i can think about is the frown. the construction of my tower of happiness, followed by the utter destruction and crumbling of it all. that hope that this person will make you happy, that she is better than all of them, the crowned jewel in this jungle of madness .   .  .  gets shot down into infinitesimal burning pieces. it’s so sad to think of all the people who have emotionally damaged you. it’s that person that gets past the Spartan phalanx of your heart, gets close, and then jabs it with her sword that hurts the most.

[the fighting continues]

how long will this continue? yesterday is blending into today, and today is blending into tomorrow. clocks aren’t functional in this world. friends remind you that time heals, but how can it when there is no function of time? no function of what is going on. no idea what the fuck is going on. confused and emotionally dazed, what is there left to do, but run?

 i turn my back on my friends. i turn my back on all that is there holding me up. i’m getting the hell out of here. i toss my shield to the tear-stained ground and fling my sword out into the distance. i’m tired of fighting. i’m tired of getting hurt. no treaties. no resolutions. i’m escaping war; running away to the end of the world, running into the horizon.

it’s not until i turn my back do i realize hope for the future. my friends left battle too. all those good memories that were fighting those shadows of bad memories are following me. they won’t let go even after I push them to the sides. they won’t give up. they are trying to tell me something. what in the fuck do you have to tell someone who feels like he has lost it all?

“remember the first kiss?

how about the first smile on her face?

or perhaps the first embrace?”

do you, after this constant warfare, realize what you have in your arsenal fighting for you? FRIENDS and FAMILY. Those whom you’ve turned your back on, are the one’s that have your back through it all.

[the shadows are retreating to the past]

the future seems a little brighter when you wrap yourselves around the people who truly care for you; not fake mannequins who cover themselves in lies.

in the end, after all this fighting, there’s always that truce. when you realize you have to make the truce with yourself, accept what has happened and allow it to remain in the past, you have won the battle and nothing will ever triumph the strength of that Spartan phalanx of a heart, other than those who actually matter.